Magic Knight Erina - Intro Episode Three.




INTRO EPISODE THREE.


The day of Princess MILLIAN's birthday gala arrives. The four occupants at Bomberman's house are busy getting themselves ready for the big party. After an hour or so of grooming, finding lost articles of clothing, or other such relevant tasks, someone finally walks out ready to go: BOMBERMAN, in his black tuxedo.


BOMBERMAN:

Walks out to a hall mirror and glances at his reflection. Grimaces.

Ugh. This tuxedo makes me look fat.


RUKIFELLTH joins BOMBERMAN at the mirror. He gives his long hair another brush-through.


RUKIFELLTH:

How can you look fat in black? If you ask me, you look like a black toothpick with a glob of food on the end of it.


BOMBERMAN:

Glaring.

That doesn't exactly make me feel any better, you know.


RUKIFELLTH:

Rolling his eyes.

Bomberman, you look fine. Don't sweat it.

He smirks.

Lilith's much deeper than looks, anyway.


BOMBERMAN:

Blushing.

Wh-what's THAT supposed to mean?!


RUKIFELLTH snickers and walks back to the bathroom. As BOMBERMAN stares forlornly at his reflection, POMMY walks out of the same bathroom, his bowtie in place and his "fur" neatly gelled.


POMMY:

Myu? Why's Bomberman looking so glum?


BOMBERMAN:

Sighing.

Remind me to sign up for more fitness classes at the Base...

The doorbell rings. BOMBERMAN runs to the door and opens it to find a flustered and uncomfortable-looking KURO standing there.

Kuro? Are you okay?


KURO:

Sweating.

Sh-she's not h-here yet, is she?


BOMBERMAN:

Who?


KURO:

Irritably.

MEGUMI!


BOMBERMAN:

Is that why you're so - ugh, really, Kuro, what in the world is wrong with you? You've had a crush on her for how long, and it's only NOW that you're freaking out?


KURO:

B-but this c-could be my b-big day t-to ask her to go out with m-me!

He flops onto a living room couch and fans himself.

Aaagh! Help me out here, man!


BOMBERMAN:

Shaking his head.

You want a drink of water or something?


KURO mutely nods. As BOMBERMAN goes to fetch a glass from the kitchen cupboard and stick it under the tap, the doorbell rings again. KURO twitches and jumps to his feet, quickly smoothing out invisible wrinkles in his suit. BOMBERMAN rolls his eyes and shoves the glass of water in KURO's face before opening the door. MEGUMI's standing the doorway, clad in a yellow satin gown, with a shimmery gold shawl and complimentary amber jewelry. KURO chokes on his water at the sight of her.


MEGUMI:

Throwing out her arms dramatically.

The FUUUUUUNNNN has ARRRRIIIIIVVVVED!


BOMBERMAN:

Hugging MEGUMI.

You're looking very...mellow...today.


MEGUMI smiles and bows. She suddenly notices KURO out of the corner of her eye.


MEGUMI:

Oh, hey, Kuro, didn't know you were here already!


KURO:

Fidgeting.

Er...well, yeah, I'm here all right! Ehehehe...


MEGUMI:

Looking curiously at KURO.

Are you all right? Your face is red and you're sweating. Are you sick or something?


KURO:

N-no! Of course not!


MEGUMI:

Crossing her arms.

Well, whatever it is, you might want to go wash up again. We're seeing royalty tonight, you know! You can't go there looking like you just came out of a make-out session!


KURO's eyes roll back in his head. He promptly faints onto the floor. MEGUMI gasps and runs to his aid. She grabs a catalogue from the coffee table and starts fanning him with it. BOMBERMAN groans and smacks a palm to his forehead.


LILITH'S VOICE:

Perplexed.

What's going on? I heard a "thud" from down here and - oh, wow, that's...interesting.


LILITH comes down the stairs. She's wearing a burgundy velvet gown, with ruby jewelry and her black hair pulled into a bun. BOMBERMAN does a double-take and blushes again.


BOMBERMAN:

Lil - Hikari! You...you look fantastic!


LILITH:

Strikes a cute pose.

Why thank you, dahhling.


KURO:

Mumbling.

...nngh...no, I'm not into the...the angry sex, I'm not that kinky...


MEGUMI:

Making a face.

Hey, Bomberman? Do you think we could wake him up soon? He's muttering pornographic images to himself.


BOMBERMAN:

Sure thing.


He takes the glass of water and dumps the contents on KURO. KURO's eyes fly open again, and he sits up, coughing water.


KURO:

Wiping the water off his face.

Daaah! What was THAT for?


BOMBERMAN:

Dryly.

So you wouldn't sleep through the party, doofus.


KURO:

Sleep?


BOMBERMAN:

You fainted a few minutes ago.


KURO:

...I did?


BOMBERMAN:

Ugh. Never mind. Where's Takeru? I thought he was already done getting dressed.


RUKIFELLTH comes down the stairs, finally ready again. His long hair is pulled into a fashionable braid down his back.


RUKIFELLTH:

Keep your pants on, I'm right here. Are we leaving soon?


BOMBERMAN:

Nods.

Pommy, where's Millian's gift?

POMMY grins and holds up a nicely wrapped box. BOMBERMAN claps his hands together.

Okay, I think we're all set!


RUKIFELLTH:

Not quite! We still need to call dibs on dates!


BOMBERMAN:

Why? We're going as a group.


RUKIFELLTH:

I know, but don't you think it might be nice to have a date anyway?

He winks.

Think of it as reliving your prom or something.


BOMBERMAN:

...I didn't like prom.


RUKIFELLTH:

All the more reason to choose a date now and make this the best night you can make it! Anyway, I call dibs on Hikari!


LILITH:

Crossing her arms.

Nuh-uh! You gotta share!


RUKIFELLTH:

Aww...


LILITH:

What are you sour for? You've hung with me for years on end already. One night isn't going to make a difference.


RUKIFELLTH:

Lamely.

But you're such a nice person that I never mind hanging around you!


LILITH:

Rolls eyes.

Let's pretend that instead of prom, this is a Sadie Hawkins dance. That means the girls get to ask the guys out.

She grins mischievously.

So...

She points.

Bomberman, you're going with me!


BOMBERMAN:

Astonished.

R-really? You mean it?


LILITH nods.


MEGUMI:

Looking at KURO.

Well, um...I guess I'll go with you, then?


KURO, unable to believe his luck, just nods, trying to keep his mouth shut. With that settled, BOMBERMAN, LILITH, KURO, and MEGUMI file out to BOMBERMAN's car.


RUKIFELLTH:

Sighing.

I suppose this is what I get for playing too many "I'm-possessed-by-Sthertoth" jokes.

He looks at POMMY.

Looks like it's you and me, buddy. We can wash our romantic woes away with cup after cup of alcoholic punch.


POMMY:

Looks at RUKIFELLTH.

Well, Pommy supposes that he can pretend that Rukifellth is a girl, with the long hair and all...


RUKIFELLTH:

Miffed.

Hey, now...


POMMY:

Sighing and turning away.

But Rukifellth makes such an ugly girl!


RUKIFELLTH:

Peeved.

Insult the masculinity of my locks again, puffball, and I'll skewer you on my sword and roast you over a campfire!


***


From a spaceport near Bomber Base, the group takes a public transport shuttle to Primus Castle. After a search of the guests and an inspection of the gift, the group gets through the gate, traverses a hallway or two, and enters a ballroom. Princess MILLIAN, dressed in a blinding silver ball gown with an array of matching diamond jewelry, walks up to the group to greet them.


MILLIAN:

Smiling warmly.

Welcome back to Primus, Bomberman. It's a pleasure seeing you again.


BOMBERMAN:

Bows.

I am honored to have been invited, Your Highness.


MILLIAN:

You needn't be so formal around me, you know.


BOMBERMAN:

Ahaha...well, in that case, happy birthday and all that jazz!

He gives MILLIAN a big hug, which the princess happily returns.

Hope you get whatever you wish for.

He indicates his friends behind him.

You already know Megumi and Kuro from the Bagular incident.

MEGUMI and KURO bow.

And then there's Pommy.

POMMY bows...as much as he can bow, anyway.

And these are Hikari and Takeru, two friends of mine that just dropped in recently.

LILITH and RUKIFELLTH bow.


MILLIAN:

A pleasure meeting all of you! Pick up your table reservation card from Pibot.

She gestures to a line of people some distance away.

Dinner will be served soon. Please, enjoy yourselves!

And she glides away to greet other guests.


RUKIFELLTH:

Whistles.

Check out the bling on her! I'm surprised all that ice hasn't melted from the hotness of her being!


LILITH:

Pokes RUKIFELLTH, annoyed.

Could you be any less subtle?

RUKIFELLTH opens his mouth to respond.

Never mind, rhetorical question.


BOMBERMAN:

Erm...let's go get our table cards, shall we?


The group falls in line to get their reservations. In a few minutes, they're greeted by PIBOT, MILLIAN's robot friend.


PIBOT:

Handing a card to BOMBERMAN.

Bomberman! It is most good to see you again!


BOMBERMAN:

Taking the card.

Nice to see you too, Pibot. How's it been going here on Primus?


PIBOT:

Oh, Her Highness has been busy with her usual things. Did you know she was recently commissioned by Bomber Base to -

He suddenly notices MEGUMI standing behind BOMBERMAN. His mechanical eyes blink in astonishment, and he rolls on over to greet her.

Miss! You are very beautiful tonight! May I have the pleasure of knowing your name?


MEGUMI:

Amused.

Why, aren't you just the cutest little thing! You can call me Megumi.


MEGUMI pats PIBOT on the head. PIBOT makes an array of beeping electronic noises - presumably his method of blushing. KURO glares at the robot.


PIBOT:

Waving his robotic arms.

M-Miss Megumi! I must finish my duties here as Her Highness has commanded me, but surely when I am done, you would not mind having a dance with me later, would you?


KURO:

Stepping up.

Back off, robot! She's got a date already!


PIBOT:

Oho! And who might you be?


MEGUMI:

Angrily.

Kuro! You don't have to be mean to him!


KURO and PIBOT engage in a heated staring contest. BOMBERMAN sweatdrops and gently pulls KURO away.


BOMBERMAN:

Don't mind him, Pibot. You can dance with Megumi if you want. And if she doesn't mind.


KURO:

BOMBERMAN!


BOMBERMAN:

What's your problem? She's your date, not your GIRLFRIEND!


MEGUMI:

Putting her hands on her hips.

Yeah, really, Kuro! No need to be such a jerk!


At this, KURO turns pink and meekly retreats. BOMBERMAN smirks and leads the group away to their table, and they take their seats.

After the other guests arrive, MILLIAN takes up a microphone and gives a short speech thanking everyone for their time and their generosity in their gifts - which is warranted considering that there are no less than five forklifts hauling away boxes of presents. When she finishes her speech, the caterers start carting around the meals, which feature the best in Primus' native cuisine. BOMBERMAN and his friends enjoy the food and a bout of pleasant conversation. In a corner, a band plays cheerful but unobtrusive music.


MEGUMI:

Glances over at POMMY with a smirk.

So, no carcinogens in the food this time, huh?


POMMY:

Wolfing down a chicken leg and a loaf of bread.

Be quiet! There WERE carcinogens in the pizza that time! Pommy could've gotten uterine cancer!


BOMBERMAN and RUKIFELLTH nearly choke on whatever they're consuming at the moment, while KURO just blinks in confusion.


LILITH:

Gently.

Pommy, uterine cancer's only in women...and human women at that.


POMMY:

Skin cancer, then! Or lung cancer! Or PROSTATE CANCER!


RUKIFELLTH:

Placing a palm over his face and shaking his head.

Oh, man, I did NOT need to know that Pommy had a prostate. I was perfectly content imagining him with all the anatomical correctness of a marshmallow Peep!


PIBOT approaches the table.


PIBOT:

Beeping.

Hello, hello! Is everyone enjoying their food?


BOMBERMAN:

Quite, thanks!


POMMY responds with a loud belch. BOMBERMAN swats him.


POMMY:

Annoyed.

Myu! It was a compliment of the highest caliber! Bomberman is so unrefined!


MEGUMI:

What's for dessert?


PIBOT:

Whatever Miss Megumi wants, I will get it for her!


KURO:

Glares sidelong at PIBOT.

I'm pretty sure that's not how banquet meals work.


PIBOT:

Glares back.

I have a wireless connection to the palace kitchen's main computer! And as Princess Millian's trusted companion -


KURO:

Sniggers.

Her trusted PDA, you mean.


PIBOT:

- I have quite the authority amongst the palace workers!

He waves his arms at MEGUMI and beeps.

So, what is your request?


MEGUMI:

Scrunches eyebrows together in concern.

Is it really okay?

At PIBOT's affirmative beep, she nods.

Really? Okay, then! I'll have three slices of red velvet cake, a serving of flan, two slices each of pumpkin, key lime, and rhubarb pie, a giant ice cream sundae - light on the chocolate syrup, extra bananas, please! - half a watermelon, three candied apples, ten sticks of dango - hanami, preferably, but I'll take mitarashi - six crepes with grape jam, twenty chewy chocolate chip cookies, four brownies, and an entire cheesecake!

She pauses.

Oh, and add a strawberry milkshake to that too.


Silence. Everyone stares at MEGUMI in awe, even POMMY.

The lights in PIBOT's eyes flicker rapidly. He emits a sequence of ominous-sounding electronic sounds. His arms twitch and spasm. He spins in place three times clockwise and three times counterclockwise in rapid succession. Steam hisses from between the cracks in his metal shell. A hatch opens in the top of his head and spits forth metallic confetti. His eyes glow red before completely dying out.


BOMBERMAN:

Primus, we...uh...have a problem.


MEGUMI:

Clapping her hand to her mouth in horror.

Oh, no! And I didn't even order that much!


KURO and RUKIFELLTH nearly fall off their chairs. A concerned MILLIAN comes running over, her ball gown swishing with her movements.


MILLIAN:

Kneels down beside PIBOT.

What happened here?


MEGUMI:

Stands up and bows repeatedly.

I'm sorry, your Highness! Pibot offered to get dessert for me, but...


MILLIAN:

Sighs.

Ah, it's fine, Megumi. Pibot's been acting sort of buggy lately, but with all the party preparations and other various things I haven't really had time to maintain him. I thought he could hold out until after things were over and done with, but...

She motions to three servants nearby, who pick up PIBOT and haul him away.

I'll have to do some temporary repairs to get him at least running for today, even if he's not at optimum performance - there's a couple of foreign diplomats here who'll be very disappointed if they don't get to talk with Pibot.


MEGUMI:

Is there anything I can do to help, your Highness? I feel bad about breaking him. I've got extensive computer experience both in software and in hardware from my time at Bomber Base, you know.


MILLIAN:

Waves MEGUMI off.

No, no, it's fine, don't worry! I don't blame you for it. Anyway, for security reasons, I'm the only one who ever does major repairs and modifications on Pibot. Just enjoy the party, okay? I'll be back soon with him, and he'll be good as new!


She walks off.


MEGUMI:

Looking sad.

That poor guy...he was just trying to be nice.


KURO:

Muttering.

A little TOO nice, if you ask me.


BOMBERMAN:

Loudly.

So, Kuro, how about them Diamond City Demons, huh? They played the worst season I've ever seen them play in all my years of living there!


KURO:

What? No way! They were bad this year, sure, but what about two years ago? Now THAT was a complete stinkbomb as far as I'm concerned!


BOMBERMAN:

Yeah, but...!


BOMBERMAN and KURO engage in a heated discussion about a local deathmatch team. Meanwhile, POMMY is looking a little pained.


POMMY:

Slumped over on the table.

Myu...Pommy doesn't feel well. Pommy ate too much!


LILITH:

Worriedly.

Do you need to go to the bathroom or something? I can take you there.


RUKIFELLTH:

Blinks.

You know where the bathroom is in this place?


LILITH:

Well, no, but that's what "asking for directions" is for.

She sees a worker nearby, and calls out.

Excuse me -


RUKIFELLTH:

Stands up.

I'll take Pommy.


LILITH:

Narrows her eyes.

You're up to something, aren't you?


RUKIFELLTH:

Looks offended.

What makes you think that?


LILITH:

Because you're never voluntarily nice to anyone except me or another pretty girl.


RUKIFELLTH:

Frowns.

Are too! You just like to pretend those moments don't exist! You're like someone who just saw a big glowy hand reach out of a cloud and grab up a bunch of believers to Heaven but thinks that someone must be operating a really big radioactive crane!

LILITH opens her mouth to respond, but RUKIFELLTH barrels on.

Besides, Pommy is my...

He spends the next thirty or so seconds contorting his face in inner agony as he attempts to spit his next word out.

..."DATE"...so why WOULDN'T I be nice to him and help him out?


LILITH:

Sighs.

Oh, fine, fine. But make sure you actually ASK for directions to the bathroom, okay? Instead of relying on your "piratey sense", which has gotten BOTH of us lost more times than I can count.


RUKIFELLTH:

Yeah, yeah, I know.

He picks up POMMY.

All right, buddy, let's head out on out so you can heave.


POMMY:

Myu...okay...


LILITH:

Low voice.

I mean it, Rukifellth. I want to see you asking for directions.


RUKIFELLTH:

Rolls eyes before turning to walk away.

Yes, yes, I know, sweetie.

He shakes his head dismissively.

Women...


LILITH:

Stands up and grabs RUKIFELLTH by his hair.

I SAID ASK FOR DIRECTIONS, BITCH.


A few minutes later...


RUKIFELLTH:

Sweating.

So, uh, m-mister...y'wouldn't happen t'know where I can find a b-bathroom around here, would you?


WORKER:

Gestures.

Oh, just go out through those doors, make a right, then a left. You can't miss it.

He gives RUKIFELLTH a weird look.

Are...are you okay over there?


RUKIFELLTH:

T-totally fine! Nothing's wrong here, no, sir! I'm j-just a guy wondering where he can dump his baggage, th-that's all! It's not like my best friend is standing b-behind me with four knives t-to my spine, ready to mince my v-vertebra if I don't d-do as she says, b-because that would just be S-SILLY!

He giggles hysterically.

Right? RIGHT?!


WORKER:

Uh...look, I gotta get back to work, all right? The boss'll kill me if he sees me slacking off. May your bathroom ventures be relieving and painless, and all that schnazz.


He hurries away.


LILITH:

Cheerfully.

See? That wasn't so hard.


RUKIFELLTH:

Yeahokaycanyoutakeawayyourknivesnowpleaseohpleasethey'rereallysharpandpointyandIdon'tliketheFreudiansimplicationsofyouholdingabunchofphallicsymbolstomyback.


LILITH steps away from RUKIFELLTH, and tucks her throwing knives into a holder that she then slips back inside her purse. With POMMY in tow, RUKIFELLTH races for the doors that the WORKER had pointed out earlier. Amused, LILITH calls out after him.


LILITH:

What's wrong with you? It was just a little friendly encouragement!


***


RUKIFELLTH follows the path that the WORKER had described to him earlier. He finds the bathroom with no problem, and sets POMMY down on the floor.


RUKIFELLTH:

Panting.

Dear Sthertoth, but Lilith is SCARY when she wants you to do something.

He looks down at POMMY.

You're potty-trained, right? You can go to the bathroom on your own, can't you? Please tell me you can.


POMMY:

Indignant.

Myu! Of course Pommy can! Pommy is a very cultured individual!

But he nods.

Pommy will be fine! Rukifellth was nice to bring Pommy this far, but now Pommy has to leave Rukifellth behind, for Pommy has to fight the greatest battle of his life...ALONE.

And POMMY wobbles into the bathroom.


RUKIFELLTH:

Waits a beat.

All right. The puffball should be fine on his own now.

He looks both ways down the hallway.

I wonder where those forklifts were taking her Highness' birthday presents?

He trudges off eagerly, rubbing his hands in glee.


***


Back in the main ballroom, the dancing has started, with a DJ spinning tunes where the band used to be. MEGUMI and LILITH are happily raving to a pounding techno beat on the dance floor, along with other partygoers. BOMBERMAN and KURO sit at their table, watching.


BOMBERMAN:

Wow, I didn't know Megumi could dance like that.


KURO:

Dreamily.

It's hot.


BOMBERMAN:

Raises an eyebrow at KURO, who's staring wide-eyed at MEGUMI.

Why don't you just go join her? It's a good excuse for you to get close to her if you wanted.


KURO:

Looks offended.

What? No way! That's just gross! It looks like people are doing the In-Bed Monster Mash out there! Megumi would blast me to Mazone and back if I tried that on her!

He glares at BOMBERMAN.

How would YOU feel if I told you to go out there and get down and jiggy with Hikari, huh?


BOMBERMAN:

Turns red.

P-point taken.

Blinks.

How'd you know I liked Hikari, anyway?


KURO:

Snorts.

What, like anyone could've missed the total OMFGYAY expression on your face when she asked you to be her date back at your house? You were more "8D" than "8D" itself! I was afraid I'd have to find a container for your glee!


BOMBERMAN:

Turns an even brighter red. Glares.

I'm surprised you even NOTICED that, considering that YOU looked like you were on the verge of Kermitflailing right out of this fic when Megumi said she'd go with you!


There's a moment of silence as the two friends realize just how badly they fail at romance. Both of them sigh in unison.


BOMBERMAN:

Y'think the two of them think we're total idiots by now?


KURO:

Probably.


BOMBERMAN:

I suppose that's nothing new for either of us.


KURO:

Nope.


BOMBERMAN:

I guess that just means we'll have one less thing distracting us from our work at Bomber Base, huh?


KURO:

What is this "work" that you speak of?


MEGUMI'S VOICE:

Cheerfully.

KURO! Get out here, dummy! A slow song's starting now!


KURO falls out of his chair in surprise. BOMBERMAN looks over and sees both MEGUMI and LILITH waving at them.


LILITH:

You too, Bomberman!

She winks.

This is one of my favorite songs, so don't disappoint me!


BOMBERMAN gulps. He helps a flustered KURO to his feet, and then the two of them walk out to the dance floor to meet their respective partners. LILITH takes BOMBERMAN's hand and leads him away to a less crowded part of the floor before settling into a gentle, swaying dance with him.


BOMBERMAN:

Keeping time with LILITH's movements.

This is a nice song, but I've never heard it before...


LILITH:

Giggles.

I wouldn't expect you to. I don't think Felix Florentino's really well-known in these parts.

She suddenly leans closer.

Hey, listen closer, to the female background vocals. Sound familiar?


BOMBERMAN listens. After a few moments, he shakes his head.


LILITH:

That's Zhael! She's the backup singer for a few of Felix's songs from the album that this particular song is from.


BOMBERMAN:

Startled.

What? Really? That's amazing!

He listens closer to the song.

It DOES sound like her, now that you mention it. She's really good. Do you know where I can listen to more songs she did?


LILITH:

She's got a FaceSpace page with samples of her own music on there. If you like what you hear, you can buy the CDs off Whamazon.


BOMBERMAN:

Zhael sounds like Odessa Chen. You ever hear of her?


LILITH shakes her head. She and BOMBERMAN continue chattering amiably about music in general. MEGUMI, however, isn't faring as well with her partner as LILITH is.


MEGUMI:

Frowning.

Are you sure you're all right? You've been grumpy this entire time we've been here at the party, and now you're not even looking at me or talking to me. Did I do something wrong?


KURO:

Panicked.

No! NO! Never! It's not you, I swear, it's me.


MEGUMI:

Okay, if you say so.

She sighs.

You know, I was surprised when I heard you'd decided to accept Princess Millian's invitation. You hate things like this!


KURO:

Y-yeah, but...


MEGUMI:

But what?


KURO:

Well...I mean...

He takes a deep breath.

I was surprised when I got the invitation from her in the mail. She said it was to thank me again for helping Bomberman rescue her, so I felt...y'know...obligated to come.


MEGUMI:

Purses her lips.

If that's the case, could you at least PRETEND you're having fun? Looking like you're heading to an execution is a lame-o way of repaying Princess Millian for the invitation, don't you think?


KURO:

I...I guess...


They dance in silence for a little while. The current song ends, but it leads into another slow song. KURO starts to head back to the table, but MEGUMI drags him back onto the floor for another dance. During the second stanza of this song, KURO speaks again.


KURO:

Hesitantly.

Uh...Megumi?


MEGUMI:

Yes?


KURO:

Swallowing.

There's, uh, something I should probably tell you.


MEGUMI:

Tilts her head inquiringly.

What is it?


KURO:

Taking another deep breath.

Well, it's just that...that is to say, I think you should know that...

His eyes suddenly go wide.

HOLY CRAP, THERE'S A BIG GIANT ROBOT BEHIND YOU!


MEGUMI:

Surprised.

HUH?!


Sure enough, standing behind MEGUMI is a giant humanoid ROBOT that looks like the result of Robocop, a Gundam, and an Act Zero Bomberman run through an oversized blender and then put back together by a blindfolded armless person. Other guests have already given a wide berth to the mechanical monster.


ROBOT:

Speaking in a deep, electronically-distorted voice.

mIsS mEgUmI wIlL dAnCe WiTh Me.


MEGUMI:

Blinks, staring up at the ROBOT.

D-do...I know you?


MILLIAN stands on the perimeter of the dance floor, beaming with pride.


MILLIAN:

See? Didn't I tell you I'd get Pibot fixed up soon?


KURO AND MEGUMI:

Incredulously.

PIBOT?!


MILLIAN:

Startled.

Why, yes. You didn't recognize him? All I did was some minor upgrades to tide him over.


KURO:

IF THAT'S YOUR IDEA OF "MINOR UPGRADES", I'D HATE TO SEE "MAJOR UPGRADES" DONE ON THAT THING!


MILLIAN:

Tapping her chin with her finger in thought.

Hmm, well, I guess I can see how you might be confused at seeing Pibot in a different body - his other one was fried from earlier, so I had to temporarily transfer his data into this one.

She smiles.

But really, I think this battle droid looks just like him!


Two laser guns pop out from PIBOT's forearms. He aims them at KURO.


PIBOT:

mY nAmE iS pIbOt. YoU dAnCeD wItH mIsS mEgUmI. pRePaRe To DiE.


KURO:

Aghast.

Oh, you have GOT to be kidding - !


Alas, no one is kidding poor KURO as PIBOT opens hot green laser fire on him. KURO makes a run for it as PIBOT chases him. Most of the party guests and workers also scatter from the ballroom, leaving only KURO, MEGUMI, LILITH, BOMBERMAN, and MILLIAN to face down the rampaging robot.


KURO:

Forming two bombs in his hands.

All right, you piece of scrap, you want a fight? I'll give you one!


MILLIAN:

Wait! Please don't hurt Pibot! I think the default personality data on the battle droid has overridden his own personality data! Let me get my laptop and hack the CPU, and in the meantime, try to keep him from doing too much damage without hurting him too badly, okay? I'll tell the castle guards to safely evacuate everyone else in the meantime.


MEGUMI:

Let me help you, your Highness! We can coordinate an attack on the droid's OS.


MILLIAN nods at MEGUMI. The two of them run out of the ballroom.


KURO:

Grumbling.

She makes it sound so easy!

To PIBOT.

Hey, dude, you don't gotta do this, okay? If you want to dance with Megumi, that's fine by me! I won't kill you, really!

Pause.

Not that I can necessarily "kill" something that wasn't even "alive" in the first place.


PIBOT:

tHeRe CaN oNlY bE oNe.


He fires again at KURO, who leaps out of the way. BOMBERMAN tosses a couple of ice bombs at PIBOT, freezing the robot in place. But PIBOT easily breaks free using the superhuman strength of his new body. KURO tosses more fire bombs; PIBOT either dodges them or swats them away.


LILITH:

Firing off shots from a laser pistol.

So, like, what did her Highness mean when she said to not hurt this guy "too badly"?


BOMBERMAN:

Tossing more ice bombs, trying to slow down PIBOT's movements.

Heck if I know. I'm pretty sure her idea of "too badly" and mine are pretty different.

He does a double-take.

I thought we were all searched for external weapons at the gate. Where'd you get that pistol from?


LILITH:

If I told you, I'd have to charge. Look out!

She tackles BOMBERMAN to the ground just as a laser shot whizzes through the air where he had once been standing. Still lying down on BOMBERMAN, LILITH holds out her pistol and fires at PIBOT. She growls.

Argh, my shots are barely scratching the metal! That must be some high-quality stuff on him!


BOMBERMAN:

Blushing.

Um...c-could you get off me, please?


LILITH:

What? Oh, sorry.

She gets to her feet. She dusts herself off, then extends a hand to BOMBERMAN, who gratefully takes it and uses it to pull himself up.

Where in the galaxy are Rukifellth and Pommy? They've been gone for a while!


POMMY'S VOICE:

Myu! Never fear, for Pommy is here!


POMMY, MILLIAN, and MEGUMI have just entered the ballroom, with MILLIAN and MEGUMI both holding sleek silver iWhac laptops. All three of them sit down at the nearest table. MILLIAN and MEGUMI open their laptops and begin entering commands at spitfire pace.


MILLIAN:

Just hold out for a little while longer!


PIBOT:

eXtErMiNaTe! eXtErMiNaTe! eXtErMiNaTe!


PIBOT leans forward a little. Two mechanical wings emerge from a compartment that opens up in his back. The metal "feathers" fan out, as though preparing for flight, and for a moment everyone pauses to admire the craftsmanship inherent in the wings.

Then the wings lift up even higher, so that they almost touch each other back-to-back. The feathers snap outwards, their tips pop open to reveal miniature laser guns, and PIBOT opens a barrage of laser fire again.

Everyone races for cover.


KURO:

Tipping over a table and hiding behind it as shots go hissing by.

Hey, your Highness, Megumi? Now would be a good time to do some l33t h4xx0ring!


MEGUMI:

From under a tablecloth.

We can't get past the battle droid's firewall! Every time we find a security hole, it cuts our connection and then patches the hole! Even with the two of us attacking it, it's managing to fend us off!

Her laptop suddenly crackles and sparks, with puffs of smoke rising from it. MEGUMI yelps and jumps away.

Oh, great, it managed to completely broil this thing!


MILLIAN:

Also from under a tablecloth.

I suppose it's only to be expected...the programs on battle droids would NEED to be as secure as possible, so that they couldn't be reprogrammed in the middle of a fight by an enemy.

Sighs and closes her laptop.

There's only one other way to bring him down - you have to destroy his power core!


BOMBERMAN:

Conjuring another bomb.

Yeah? And where would that be?


MILLIAN:

Peeking out from the tablecloth.

In his chastity belt!


EVERYONE ELSE:

In his WHAT?!


With the power drained from his wings for the time being, PIBOT begins picking up pieces of furniture and hurling them everywhere. A meal cart crashes into KURO's hiding place. LILITH dives to the side to avoid the pieces of a broken table, splintered from when one of KURO's bombs exploded on it. BOMBERMAN somersaults backwards as PIBOT flings a stereo in his direction. MILLIAN just barely avoids being hit by a flying chair, which crashes into the wall behind her.


MILLIAN:

You have to destroy the mechanisms that lock the belt - they're marked in red around his waist in the front! Then a compartment will pop open revealing the core!


BOMBERMAN:

Do you mean to tell us that the power core is in his CROTCH?!

He ducks a microphone stand.


MILLIAN:

Frowning.

Well...yes...but a princess can't very well SAY a word like that, can she?


BOMBERMAN facefaults. MEGUMI blinks at MILLIAN.


LILITH:

I'd shoot the locks off, but I've already found out that my shots won't penetrate the metal.


BOMBERMAN:

Gets up and dusts self off.

Looks like it's up to me and Kuro. Your Highness, where's his CPU located? I don't want to accidentally destroy that.


MILLIAN:

In his head.


BOMBERMAN:

Good, that means we can just focus our bombs on the lower half of Pibot's body.

He shakes his head.

The power core is in his CROTCH. What the heck is this, Brain Powerd or something? Anyway, let's boogie, Kuro!


KURO:

Ready when you are!


BOMBERMAN and KURO start kicking fire bombs at PIBOT. PIBOT sidesteps the first few, but the combined efforts of BOMBERMAN and KURO, who are attacking him from opposite sides, eventually freeze him to his place, unable to do anything against the explosions building off one another. The smoke from the explosions gets so thick that POMMY and LILITH start breaking into coughing fits, and BOMBERMAN motions to KURO to hold off for a bit.

When the smoke clears, PIBOT is a bit scorched but still standing.


KURO:

Sarcastically.

It's super-effective!


BOMBERMAN:

Grumbles.

Oh, man. I was hoping it wasn't going to have to come to this, but...

He charges an earth bomb.

Looks like I'll have to turn up the heat in here! I'll melt his legs off!


MILLIAN:

Um, Bomberman, I don't know if that's such a good idea...


BOMBERMAN kicks the earth bomb at PIBOT. It explodes in a brilliant blast of molten hot lava that easily dissolves the tough metal alloy of PIBOT's body into something that looks like discolored melted butter. PIBOT flails as he slowly loses appendages to stand on, the heat steadily working its way up to his hip joints.


KURO:

Pumping his fist in the air and cheering.

Genius! Genius, I tell you!


BOMBERMAN:

Grinning.

I AM quite awesome, aren't I?

Turns to MILLIAN.

So, what was that you were saying, your Highness?


MILLIAN:

Meekly.

I meant to warn you that the power core in that battle droid is rather sensitive to heat. If its internal temperature rises too much, the energy becomes quite volatile.


BOMBERMAN:

Staring.

...you mean, it'll explode.


MILLIAN nods.

Everyone turns to look at the still-flailing PIBOT, who has turned quite a bright shade of red that has nothing to do with being embarrassed. The air around him wavers with the intense heat. PIBOT's body begins to shake and distort with the energy building up inside the metal frame.


POMMY:

RUN FOR THE HILLS!


Everyone gets to their feet and sprints. The force of the resulting blast - KA-BLAM-A-DABBA-DOO - blows everyone out the doors and into the hallways. BOMBERMAN and KURO crash into a cart of dirty dishes left outside. MEGUMI and MILLIAN hit the carpet and roll into a brick wall, while POMMY flies directly into the wall, bounces off it, and lands in a garbage can. LILITH ends up tumbling smack-dab into RUKIFELLTH, who's passing by with a large canvas bag of stuff just as she goes flying out one of the doors.


LILITH:

Blinks as she realizes who she's looking at.

You!


RUKIFELLTH:

Blinks.

Me!


LILITH:

Gets to her feet and puts her hands on her hips.

Where WERE you?


RUKIFELLTH:

Uh...

Looks at his bag of stuff lying on the ground; parts of wrapped presents are peeking out of the top.

Preparing to take over when Santa Claus inevitably retires this year?


LILITH:

Peers a little closer.

Hey, wait a minute...I recognize the pattern on one of those boxes! That's OUR gift to Princess Millian!

Glares.

You were STEALING FROM HER GIFTS?!


RUKIFELLTH:

Stands up and faces LILITH indignantly.

Was not! I was just...uh...

He gestures randomly.

It was my personal present to her Highness! I was testing her security to find its weak spots so that her guards could fix them and thus protect the loot against REAL pirates!


LILITH:

Dryly.

Like yourself?


RUKIFELLTH:

Sputters.

Well, YEAH, but...!

Narrows his eyes.

But hey, weren't you the one who said that even animatronic Jack Sparrow was more of a pirate that I could ever hope to be?


LILITH:

Cheerfully.

Oh, no, that was my twin sister you must have been talking to.

She looks over RUKIFELLTH's shoulder.

Your Highness? Are you all right?


MILLIAN:

Rubbing her head.

I'm fine, thank you. I'm more worried about Pibot.


RUKIFELLTH:

Cautiously shoving the bag of gifts behind a suit of armor with his foot.

What happened in there, anyway? That must've been one hell of a rave.


LILITH:

Pibot went on a bit of a killer rampage.


RUKIFELLTH:

Incredulously.

THAT little thing? I don't believe you.


LILITH:

He wasn't so little when he started tossing those chairs around, let me tell you.

She looks back into the ballroom through the open doors.

Though he's probably been blown to itty bits now.


Amazingly enough, when everyone trudges back into the charred, obliterated ballroom, they find PIBOT's head lying in the middle of a collapsed table, with a vase of flowers tipped over it. Other than some scorch marks and chunks of metal embedded in the skull, it's otherwise intact.


MILLIAN:

PIBOT!

She runs over to the table and picks up PIBOT's head, cradling it.

Pibot, are you all right? Say something!


PIBOT:

...dOmO aRiGaTo, MiStEr RoBoTo...

The light in his eyes go out.


MILLIAN sighs, looking sad. She turns the head over, snaps open a compartment, and pulls out a disk drive from it.


MILLIAN:

Inspecting the disk drive, and sighs with relief.

Oh, good, there's no damage to this at all. I should be able to retrieve his personality data from this just fine.

She turns to BOMBERMAN and his friends.

Thanks so much for helping out with Pibot. I'm sorry about ruining the party for all of you.


BOMBERMAN:

Laughs sheepishly and scratches the back of his head.

If anyone should be apologizing for ruining the party, your Highness, it should be me, for completely trashing this place.


RUKIFELLTH:

Triumphantly.

Aha! I KNEW you had a party animal in you somewhere!


BOMBERMAN hurls a superbomb at RUKIFELLTH.



End of Intro Episode Three.