The unfortunate implications of Hubert ever growing a beard.Rating:
B for Beard. Or Blue.Notes:
I miss writing for these two, but I can’t currently brain any of my more involved ideas (of which there are many, alas). So have a short and swiftly-written crackfic. It’s better than nothing. :|
(Seriously, though, look at that fucking wordcount. Under a thousand words
It’s an innocent enough inquiry that’s likely occurred to every person who’s witnessed the phenomenon in question.
“Why, exactly, does Wild Tiger style his beard into that design?” Hubert asks Pao-Lin one day.
She holds a finger to her lips in thought. “I dunno, really. He’s had it that way for as long as I remember. He probably just likes it a lot.” A childlike smirk. “Why? Are you thinking of doing it, too?”
“Hardly. I was merely curious, since it’s an unusual style.”
“Do you even grow a beard? I’ve never seen you with one.”
“Of course I do!” Hubert sputters. “I just...prefer to be clean-shaven, that’s all.”
Pao-Lin giggles. “Okay. That’s probably for the best, anyway.”
“Because then you’d be Bluebeard!”
She nods. “Yeah! It’s a story from my world. Bluebeard was a guy, who, well, had a blue beard, and he killed all of his wives and kept their bodies in the basement of his castle.”
Why would he do such a thing?”
Pao-Lin shrugs. “The story doesn’t say. Though he tried to kill his new wife because she found out about the other wives being murdered.”
Hubert stares at Pao-Lin in disbelief. “And you are seriously suggesting that I would become a serial spousal murderer like him, were I to grow a beard myself?”
“Of course not, silly! But, well, maybe you wouldn’t look that good in one. Nobody wanted to marry Bluebeard because of his beard, after all.”
“Didn’t you just say he had wives...?”
“Oh, yeah, but the story doesn’t really talk about why his other wives married him. And the girl who married him in the story didn’t want to until he held a banquet for her at his castle.”
Hubert sniffs and crosses his arms. “That’s a rather common scenario, I’m afraid. Many women are only interested in the riches of their husband-to-be. A man with that dark of a history must have had some indication of it wafting from his person, yet perhaps once he showed himself to be sufficiently wealthy, his prospective bride ignored any such warnings, and put herself in danger as a result. I don’t have much sympathy for that sort of foolishness.”
Pao-Lin hunches her shoulders a little. “I don’t think that’s really...”
“And I can’t say that I understand this Bluebeard, either. I’ll grant that pride may have prevented him from shaving off his beard in order to be a more generally attractive suitor. But then, having acquired a wife, why would he dispose of her — or her successors, for that matter? Even if he were displeased with some aspect of them, he should be grateful that a girl even bothered with him in the first place. And, of course, murder is quite an extreme action to take in any case. He’s clearly not in his right mind, and I don’t exactly appreciate being compared to a figure like that.” He frowns at Pao-Lin. “Are you so opposed to me having facial hair that you would tell me such a gruesome tale to scare me off the notion?”
“...I just thought you’d be interested in the story,” she mumbles, pouting. “You said you liked hearing stories from other worlds, and our conversation reminded me of the Bluebeard one. That’s all.”
“Oh.” Hubert tugs at his jacket collar before clearing his throat. “Um, in that case...thank you for sharing, then.”
Pao-Lin nods. “Sorry, though. I really didn’t mean anything bad by it. It was just a joke.” She offers up a reassuring smile. “I promise I’ll still marry you even if you decide to grow a beard!”
Hubert turns crimson. “I wasn’t worried about that!
Besides, didn’t I tell you before that it’s far too early to be considering that kind of thing?”
She slides closer and hugs him, apparently not bothered at all by his scolding. “Well, fine. I won’t break up with you if you do, then. It’d be a stupid reason to break up, right?” She nuzzles his shoulder. “I’d probably just get used to it eventually. It’d be okay as long as it wasn’t, like, a Santa beard.”
“Pao-Lin, I’ve already said that I prefer to be clean-shaven. It’s a moot point.”
“Oh. Right.” A long pause. “Hmm, I bet Tiger would be really flattered if you copied him, though...”
Hubert sighs deeply.